Faith In Exile, Part III – Conclusion

The Lenten season is upon us, and I am adrift.

From what I understand, the majority of people who join the Catholic church are received into her arms during the Easter Vigil. Because of complications in my past life including divorce, along with complete uncertainty about which version of Catholicism I should be following, I have resigned myself to probably never being a real, official Catholic.

Yet hope remains.

I realized some time ago — gradually, like the sunrise, not an immediate clap of thunder — that I had come to believe the Catholic church is the one, true faith…that the Church truly is the pillar and bulwark of the Faith. When I realized that I had arrived at this spiritual harbor, my heart was lightened. I realized that the days of having to sift the Bible and all the interpretations of it were now past. I realized that I truly trusted and believed — something I don’t think I had ever fully, honestly done before.

I began to think of myself as a Catholic, and I believe I will always do so. Perhaps others see me as an outsider, a pretender, a phony. There’s little I can do about this, if this is anyone’s perception. I see myself as Catholic, and my perception is honest and clear.

I want so much…so much more than I can express here….to be received into the church. I want to make a full and perfect confession and act of contrition. If my former baptism, received in good faith as a Protestant, is invalid, I would like to be validly baptized. I long to adore the Real Presence of the Lord in the monstrance, and to receive Holy Communion at the hand of a real priest after watching the miracle of the bread and the wine being changed into the body and blood of our Lord. I want to be able to genuflect naturally and unself-consciously. I want to live the full life of faith under the authority of the Church whose lineage can be traced back directly to an impetuous Galilean fisherman named Peter.

I continue to pray the Liturgy of the Hours, to say my rosary every day, to read, to study, to try and learn the prayers in the majestic Latin tongue. I sent a small donation to a renowned sedevacantist church in the Midwest, a church whose bishop is noted for his writings on the Novus Ordo vs. the traditional Mass, and I asked for some holy water and some blessed candles for my home, and perhaps a call from one of their priests. I never heard back from them, even after sending a follow-up email. I have been admonished to remember that such priests are very busy and are stretched thin, and I believe this to be true. Still, it heightens the sense of spiritual solitude. I have been warned against feeling sorry for myself (curiously, this has been a common accusation when I have asked questions on Catholic forums and blogs — that saying “I wish I could ___ “ is evidence of a complaining spirit and of feeling sorry for myself), and have been reminded that “normal parish life” is a luxury that Americans took for granted for far too long, and that God never guaranteed anyone. I have been informed that my task now is to suffer for Christ, to accept my exile as His will, and to be faithful in my solitude. All of these things I am willing to do….am now doing.

I hold out hope that I may find a real-life Catholic friend someday, a man I may bounce ideas off of, a man I may learn from. Perhaps this will never be; perhaps my current status is how it will be until I pass from this earthly life. I do not know; I have no way of knowing.

What I do know is that I am a Catholic. A shabby, patched-together, Walmart version of a Catholic, a Catholic without a valid ID cars, but a Catholic nevertheless. Because I believe, and because I hope, and because I embrace the Truth.

Credo in Deum Patrem omnipotentem, Creatorem caeli et terrae.

Et in Iesum Christum, Filium Eius unicum, Dominum nostrum,
qui conceptus est de Spiritu Sancto, natus ex Maria Virgine,
passus sub Pontio Pilato, crucifixus, mortuus, et sepultus,
descendit ad inferos, tertia die resurrexit a mortuis,
ascendit ad caelos, sedet ad dexteram Patris omnipotentis,
inde venturus est iudicare vivos et mortuos.

Credo in Spiritum Sanctum,
sanctam Ecclesiam catholicam, sanctorum communionem,
remissionem peccatorum,
carnis resurrectionem,
vitam aeternam.

Amen

~ S.K. Orr