Under Gaze
I sit in the cool shade of the tree I park under at work. I’m probably foolish, but it seems to me that the leaves are moving in deliberate patterns, that the tree is gesturing to me with its arms, that my presence is not unnoticed, nor is it unimportant.
I think about taking a nap, but a mockingbird wants to talk. I sit with my chin in my palm and listen to my own self.
This is the biggest responsibility I’ve ever taken on, the biggest risk, this looming thing. Think I can do it? Guess I have to try. Are You going to help me any? Reckon You won’t. That doesn’t mean You’re bad or that You’re nonexistent or that You don’t care. Just means that I was misinformed. By lots of folks. So I won’t count on You to help me. Maybe we’ll talk about it someday. When the words don’t matter. Or when there’s something between us more pure than words.
Another mockingbird on the far side of the parking lot is taking up the conversation. I sure hate to go back inside.
~ S.K. Orr
4 Comments
Carol
Another “complete stranger” commenting here…
I feel awkward, and have been resisting the urge to write, but the nature of this post has had me worried for you (and your wife) – and now it’s been a week and a half since you posted..
It’s very strange to care about people you’ve never met, but such is the ‘lot’ of the longtime blog reader.
Anyway, I’m praying for you…
…and, in case it helps, I wanted to share something a really wonderful Pastor said, in a sermon which was very important to me:
‘Sometimes you have to choose Faith as an act of will’
Decide that God ‘is’ helping you, even if you can’t discern that help, and at some point – you will see your trust in Him has been fulfilled.
Also, I thought you might like to know:
Some time after Bonnie had passed –
– I prayed that God would ‘bring you’ a new canine friend to help ease the pain…
…and then there was Jinx.
admin
Carol, you are most welcome here.
Knowing that you have been worried about my wife and me is a humbling thing. And I do understand…there are blogs that I have read for years and have never even left comments, much less met the bloggers, and yet I feel that I “know” them in a certain sense. Because of this, I certainly do NOT see you as a complete stranger. (You, either, Annie!)
The words from the pastor you mentioned were excellent, and something I very much needed to read today. Thank you for them.
And the final section of your comment, where you mentioned Bonnie and your prayers for me, and Jinx’s arrival — I broke into tears while trying to read the comment to my wife. Thank you, Carol. I am so, so grateful to have encountered you here, and I am grateful for your tender heart and your genuine concern. You lifted my spirits considerably on this hot June night.
Annie
I feel your worry, about this looming thing, and didn’t want to intrude. (Being a complete stranger and all…) But here your words are, for all to see, so I’ll venture. Sometimes when I’m talking to myself, which I do all the time when I’m alone, it morphs into maybe someone’s listening, and then as I’m puzzling, and crying and agonizing eventually the words run out, and sometimes, sometimes. I feel more quieted. Or a tiny step forward presents itself. Or I have to move on to other things and exasperatedly say I wish you’d just tell me what to do, or how to do it, or…and then later when I’m writing a blog comment he whispers-no, less than a whisper-that if he did that I’d probably just rebel, say no, so I have to decide for myself, and learn afterwards if it was right. But anyway, I feel your worry, and wanted to let you know.
admin
Annie, your comment meant the world to me. Thank you so much for your perspective, and as always, for your kindness.