Minor Annoyances
I always disliked 60 Minutes’ Andy Rooney when I was younger. He seemed to me to be that crabby old uncle who never had a good word to say about anyone, sort of like the actor Henry Fonda but with more apocalyptic eyebrows. I also disliked him because he sneered at Ernest Hemingway for the writer’s penchant for fistfights with men who had insulted him. All my life, I’ve mistrusted males who immediately and reflexively dismiss violence as an option in their daily lives.
Ah, yes. Andy Rooney. “D’ya ever notice….? His end-of-show segments were a five-minute recitation of something or some things that ignited his ire over the past week. “D’ya ever notice how unpleasant pennies smell? Ever notice how hard coupons are to read in the sales ads? Ever notice how dogs always want attention when you’re tired and achey? Ever notice how caterpillars can attach themselves to the foreheads of people who oppose Bugs Bunny or host a segment on a prime time news show?”
But I seem to have been Rooneying a couple of times in the past few days (look it up: the OED has it listed as a verb. “To Rooney: To carp in a hectoring whine about life’s quotidian inconveniences. See also, To Pelosi: To lecture a constituency while gesturing with a nonexistent Chardonnay glass and scowling with repurposed eyebrows…” — and yes, it’s always about the eyebrows in SteepleTea Land).
Something that rilly, rilly irritates me is how the phrase “reach out” has replaced “contact.” As in, “We’re sorry your high-speed internet betrayed you in your hour of technological need. We’ll have a tech rep reach out to you to get that resolved!” They can’t contact me. They can’t call me. They have to reach out to me. A repugnant mental image. Conjures pictures of corpses clawing their way out of muddy graves with their bony fingers flexing to the sky.
Another one. My elementary school teachers drilled it into my impressionable little head that the “t” in “often” is silent, just as it is in “soften.” But I cannot remember the last time I heard someone speak the word “often” WITHOUT hitting that “t” like a roustabout hammering in a circus tent peg. “We can’t forecast how OFF-TIN you’ll experience outages! Chirp! Squeal! But we’ll be sure to reach out to you if it happens again!”
It seems to be particularly prevalent among young females. And the only thing that could make this worse would be if the speaker ended the sentence with a vocal fry. The vocal fry has been with us for several years now, but it seems to have become weaponized lately. When I have to interact with some of these young people (and I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone over 45 employ a vocal fry), I am sooooo tempted to ask them if they’ve ever heard what happened to Elizabeth Taylor during her visit to Big Stone Gap.
At least they could reach out to their smarty-pants phones for help in understanding my question.
I’ll see you next week on Zixty Minutes. Tic tic tic tic tic tic…..
~ S.K. Orr
6 Comments
Lewis
Shoulders are back. . . Sir! Will refugee South shortly.
admin
Excellent, my friend. Excellent.
James
I just wanted to reach out and let you know I agree 100%.
admin
Thank you, James, I see that hand. Now, without anyone looking around, with all eyes, closed, let’s all hum “Just As I Am” while those of you with vocal fries and uptalks make your way down front here…
Lewis B.
Good comment on Joe Feney. He is good on the Lawrence Welk Christmas Memories album, along with some other other excellent vocalists.
I also hate “reach out to you, me, whomever. ” I like to respond with “yeah, give ’em a holler”. I also like the opportunity to respond to a vocal fry comment with “you’re barking up the wrong tree”. That really confuses them since those types have never heard of a squirrel dog or a coon dog. I don’t think that they need this from me to show that I am old fashioned, but I like to let them know that I am still unreconstructed. Vocal fry and “reach out” are signals that the speaker is among the progressive, in-crowd. It’s also funny that often they will start a declarative sentence with “guess what”.
Andy Rooney’s act was a bit too negative. I prefer Red Skelton on RFD TV. He was nice as nice can be. God Bless.
And don’t get me started on “new” southern cooking. That means that they don’t know how to cook it correctly or it is too much trouble. I’ll take old fashioned southern cooking, please, with no vocal fry.
One of these days I will remember to put on my readers before posting a comment. I cringe at some of my past typing errors. But, life is too short. Where are my readers, anyway?
admin
Ah, yes, Red Skelton. I’m grateful for the nuggets of good stuff on RFD TV. I get irritated, though, when I turn on a rodeo and they’re blasting hip hop music in the background while the boys are riding broncs.
You’re so right about “new” Southern cooking. Heck, it’s dismaying how few young Southern gals can even boil an egg. They’re simply not interested. They’re too busy reaching out on Twitter.
Funny you mentioned readers. I have used Dollar Store readers for years. Finally broke down and got some real flasses before my insurance changed. We picked them up this past Saturday and I’m pleased with them. Still got lots of readers scattered all over the house and in Mrs. Orr’s purse, though…
Good to hear from you, Lewis. Keep your shoulders back, brother. Interesting times ahead…