I Never Thought I'd Be In This Situation
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Under Gaze
I sit in the cool shade of the tree I park under at work. I’m probably foolish, but it seems to me that the leaves are moving in deliberate patterns, that the tree is gesturing to me with its arms, that my presence is not unnoticed, nor is it unimportant. I think about taking a nap, but a mockingbird wants to talk. I sit with my chin in my palm and listen to my own self. This is the biggest responsibility I’ve ever taken on, the biggest risk, this looming thing. Think I can do it? Guess I have to try. Are You going to help me any? Reckon You…
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Seasons Of Life
Things have shifted, and now I am detaching from some things and moving towards some new ones. A time of nervous stomachs and pleasant anticipation, a period of feeling overwhelmed and unprepared, a stretch of unsettled hours, of feeling my age, of pushing out again into the waters of hope, watching the clouds and the horizon. It’s lighter in the mornings now, and I see the bicyclist on the shoulder of the road each day on the way to work. I lift my hand and breathe a blessing and a prayer, and as always, I wonder where he is going and what he does and how his day and his…
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The Strange Power
“Scars have the strange power to remind us that our past is real.” ― Cormac McCarthy, All The Pretty Horses Yesterday marked six months to the day that our beloved dog, Bonnie, died in her sleep. I don’t ponder it as much as I once did, but each time I remember the moment that I realized Bonnie was gone, I feel as if I have been kicked in the stomach. The sense of her being stolen from us is as raw and punishing as it was half a year ago. My grief for my dog caught me by surprise. I never expected to mourn an animal the way I did Bonnie.…
- Church Life, Daily Life, Holy Days, I Never Thought I'd Be In This Situation, Lectio Divina, Prayers, Reflections
Lourdes, Lourdes
I’ve avoided writing about the current health scare for the same reason that I’ve avoided talking about it at length. There are too many sources of disparate, conflicting information, almost none of whom I trust, and I lack both the intellectual rigor and the sort of personality that delights in wading through all this dismal stuff. I suppose my stance on this situation is akin to my grandmother’s. I remember one day in the Seventies when a young plumber tried to engage her in a conversation about diet and heart disease. He presented all sorts of facts and figures in an evangelist’s voice, his eyes shining in his earnest face.…
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For The Beauty
The force that through the green fuse drives the flower Drives my green age; that blasts the roots of trees Is my destroyer. And I am dumb to tell the crooked rose My youth is bent by the same wintry fever. The force that drives the water through the rocks Drives my red blood; that dries the mouthing streams Turns mine to wax. And I am dumb to mouth unto my veins How at the mountain spring the same mouth sucks. The hand that whirls the water in the pool Stirs the quicksand; that ropes the blowing wind Hauls my shroud sail. And I am dumb to tell the hanging…
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Luck Of The Paw
I took off yesterday from work so that I could take care of some things on which I’ve been procrastinating. It was Friday the 13th, so it seemed an appropriate day to venture out and seek accomplishments. The main objective was to take care of some business with the Veteran’s Administration. The closest VA center is located a few towns over, and we got an early start. My wife and I found our way to the sprawling campus and were surprised at how busy it was. Friendly guides were everywhere, helping the incoming veterans to park and to find which building they needed to transact their business. We watched silver-haired…
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Everyday Poison
It’s interesting to work with people these days. When I was younger, I worked with many interesting people. But these days, the people with whom I work are boring, shallow, vapid, and almost utterly amoral. But they’re interesting to watch and to listen to. Ann Barnhardt talks about what she calls diabolical narcissists, and if she were to show up at my office and just sit and watch and listen for one eight-hour day, she’d have enough material for a year’s worth of blog posts and podcasts. We’ve all got that one obnoxious family member who is never happy unless he/she is pitting people against each other, stirring up strife,…
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Contemplating Foolishness
Christian history and tradition are rich with stories of the “holy fool” and the mendicant religious pilgrim. I possess neither the inclination nor the mettle to say goodbye to my wife and family and life to pursue such a course. And yet… There is a facet of my spirit’s personality, obscured usually even to myself, that is drawn to the idea of solitude and wandering and abandoning the things of this world. I have known a handful of people whose lives have been so marred by sudden and devastating tragedy that I cannot imagine how they found the grace and strength to soldier on until the end of their own…
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Miserable
At least for now. Throat feeling as if I gargled broken glass. Aching body. Growing congestion. And the tantalizing possibility of fever being offered by my body as a sort of Buy Three, Get One Free deal. I haven’t decided if I’ll opt for the fever or not…I seem to recall having one or two in the past. Can’t say I remember anything pleasant about them, but the dreams were dy-no-mite. Oh, I forgot the chills. The substantial kind, where it feels as if someone dumped a gallon of ice water down my spine in slow motion. As I write this, I’m wearing a thermal shirt, t shirt, two shirts,…
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Decade Ending
My wife bought me a crucifix and a statue of the Holy Family a couple of years ago at an antique shoppe, both made of porcelain and painted with blue highlights. Lately, I have found myself gazing more frequently and more intensely at the statue than at the crucifix. The idea of a heavenly mother is a novel one for me, and yet it is sensible and appeals to me. Since boyhood, I accepted what I was taught as truth, which was that God is a sort of single dad. Like so much of the rest of it, I chafe under the idea nowadays, and I fill notebooks with my…