Make The Man

I recently celebrated the 43^rd anniversary of the day I stood on the grinder (parade deck) at MCRD San Diego and received my Eagle, Globe, and Anchor and officially became a United States Marine. It’s still difficult to believe that so much time has passed. I look at old USMC photos of myself and I think, not for the first time, “That used to be me. But it isn’t anymore.”

I saw recently that the stubby little comedian/actor who’s allegedly running the show in the Ukraine sauntered into Washington DC (soon to be known as Tubman, Districto Federale, and thanks to Severian for that witty sobriquet) to meet with Whaddaya Know Joe at the White House. Apparently, he caused a bit of a stir among some folks because he made his visit clad in his olive-green sweatsuit or whatever that thing is that he wears, the outfit that I guess is supposed to look like a badass military getup.

I agree that this was undignified. Even if a drooling and debilitated husk like Tapioca Joe is sitting in the Oval Office, the dignity of that office still would require a modicum of decorum. But the squatty little hero of the free world (who will totes singlehandedly defeat the villainous Uncle Vlad any day now) shows up looking like an Eastern Bloc Tony Soprano. Nice style, Z-dawg. Tasty.

Countless words have been slathered across the internet in the past few years decrying the sloppy casual appearance of American males. An equal number of words have probably been written about the attire and appearance of American females, but I cannot bear to even look at most of them when I see them in public places, so I’ll just focus here on the fellas. I’m second to none in my disdain of the overgrown adolescent look of most males today. The t-shirts, the baggy cargo shorts, the sandals, the sports team jerseys (and just as a side note, I find something quite homosexual about a grown man sporting a pricey jersey with another man’s name on the back of it – most likely a spoiled, arrogant millionaire’s name – as if he’s wearing his boyfriend’s letterman’s jacket). I’m from a generation that for the most part cannot imagine going out in public dressed like a bum. And that’s the most appropriate word to use. It’s even more egregious to see a man my age dressed like this. Such dudes should simply wear a sandwich board reading “I’m still young and vibrant and relevant! Notice me, and kneel before my awesome coolness!”

That being said, I do somewhat understand why many men eschew a dressier look. The plain truth is that dress clothing for adult males is as ugly as a mud fence. Those boxy, baggy suitcoats or blazers with the short tail. The shirts with the annoying, uncomfortable, and even dangerous neckties. The only way a modern suit looks good on any man, no matter how lean nor how chubby, is when he is standing up, arms at his sides, top button on the coat buttoned. Any other posture wrecks the look of the suit. Shoulder pads bunched up under the ears like football pads. Too much shirt exposed. Tie hanging down like some ridiculous snake biting the throat. It’s impossible to avoid once you move from standing erect to….anything else. The trend towards softer, more comfortable dress shoes is one that I applaud – and I am a veteran of the Wingtip and Loafer Wars — but most of them still look like leather lunchboxes and are dangerous on anything but dry sidewalks. The slightly dressed-down “business casual” isn’t much of an improvement. Dress shirt, dress or khaki trousers, buffalo brick shoes. Wow. Huge improvement. This look is, for me, the uniform of the corporate drone or the insurance salesman or the car dealership manager. There is not one single thing impressive or masculine about it. It is sartorial compromise.

I happen to believe that clothing can serve the triple purposes of elegance, comfort, and functionality. A character in a James Webb novel points to his close-cropped hair and says to someone, “You see this? This is a military heart.” I have a military heart, or perhaps more correctly a militaristic heart, and this is the bias through which I operate. I think something that’s flavored with a certain militaristic flair might be the answer to the zooty ugliness of today’s male apparel.

For the basic dress suit, I would propose something along the lines of a Prussian high-collared tunic, in any color, fabric, or pattern. For the general idea, see the USMC dress blues tunic:

Naturally, the brass buttons and scarlet piping would not be included, but these accoutrements could be replaced by subtle buttons that would blend with the fabric. The structure of the tunic is such that it all but ensures an erect posture, but when well-tailored, this tunic is comfortable and easy to move in. Interestingly, the USMC service Alpha uniform with it’s open, flared collar (like an English suit coat) and field scarf (necktie) is much less comfortable and practical. And please…no comments about the allegedly “uncomfortable” high collar. Again, it’s a matter of proper fit. When it’s not a size too small, the Prussian collar is very comfortable, and carries the additional benefit of not needing a shirt and impractical tie for display. As long as you’re wearing a clean, decent, collarless shirt beneath the tunic, you’re all set. And speaking of “uncomfortable,” I’ve noticed that the fashion these days is to wear suits cut too small. They look trim and neat if you’re sitting in front of the Fox News cameras, but if you have to twist and grab a box of something or pick up a toddler or a dog, you’ll split your pretty little seams. That is not what I’d call practical nor functional.

Trousers could match the tunic’s fabric for a dress suit, or be constructed from suitably contrasting material for a more dressed-down look. Nothing gaudy, no stripes on the trouser seams, etc. Just good, serviceable, well-fitting trousers.

Trousers would be made with buttons for braces (suspenders) and loops, so there’s no need for a belt unless you prefer one. A collarless shirt would be hidden beneath the high collar, and if you want or need to shed the tunic, the braces with henley & trousers look is quite masculine, as opposed to the seagull wings of a collar (obsolete without the superfluous tie) which, when open, brings about that throaty Travolta look…no thank you, ma’am. In warm weather, just push up the sleeves or wear a short-sleeved version of the shirt, and voila.

Any sort of subtle, conservative dress shoe would work with this (the Corps utilizes shoes or chukkas with the dress uniform), but personally, I think a well-made boot would be the perfect footwear for this dress. There are scads of nice lace-up boots, and anything in a muted black, brown, or tan would work well. Boots, once broken in, are easy to move in, they protect and support the feet and ankles, and are suitable for all terrain and surfaces The trousers could be worn with cuffs down on the boot tops, but (again, personal preference) if they were bloused up to the top of the boot, showing the entire boot, the visual effect is manly and striking. Also practical, since you won’t be getting your trouser cuffs soaked with rain or dew. A well cared-for pair of boots can last for years, especially with resoling.

I don’t know if headwear for men will ever come back in fashion, except for the ridiculous affectations like stingy-brim fedoras, ghetto ballcaps, and whatever they’re wearing with their onions on their belts these days. Heaven forfend someone flatten their pretty little locks. But if the tide were to turn and hats were to again be recognized for what they are — practical and utilitarian — there are several styles of covers that would blend well with the style of outfit I propose. And if someone decided to wear a mesh baseball cap with such a suit, well, they deserve whatever they get in cold or rainy weather. The sheer dignity and gravitas of such an outfit lends itself naturally to a careful choice of headgear.

And if men like neckties? I would just reiterate that the outfit I propose would be the equivalent of a business suit. Formal wear could be any combination of those formal wear elements with which we are familiar. The current trend of bastardizing the once-reliable tuxedo is revolting. Talk about cultural appropriation….males today appropriate all kinds of things that are inappropriate for solemn, singular events.  I keep waiting for them to bring back the Huggybearish seven inch velour lapels and ruffled shirts of my high school years in the Seventies. Even if my suggestions are brushed aside, a white tie and tails has never been nor ever will be equaled for elegance and masculinity.  Plus, the military does offer some raw material for pleasant and dignified formal wear:

Just my thoughts. Clothes don’t necessarily make the  man.

But they can help.

~S.K. Orr