Suffering’s Work
I have for the last several days been in a sustained mood of contemplation and prayer, feeling and responding to an almost urgent sense of needing to pray, to seek companionship with God the Father, with Christ the Lord, with the Blessed Virgin Mary, and with my patron saint, the Maid — St. Joan of Arc.
Today before entering my place of work, I offered a very focused supplication that I might not be drawn into nor affected by the dozens of little soap operas whirling about me on any given day. Regular readers of this blog know that I have been battered by the foolishness that is the norm in my office, and that I have prayed and hoped for circumstances to arise and assist me in this situation.
But today as I was praying in the parking lot beneath the tree that shelters my car, with the crows flying around the light poles and calling to each other (and to me?), the clearest, most distinct thought came into my head.
I had just been asking the Blessed Virgin to pray for me, to ask for grace and strength on my behalf. And as I finished this petition, I thought, All that I am asking, all that I ask to be relieved of…these things are vehicles of suffering.
I pondered this for a moment, and then another thought came. I can never count nor undo the sins I’ve committed in my life, but I can accept my suffering — all my suffering — and offer it to Christ in gratitude and ask Him to use it to change me, to make me virtuous.
I’m so very aware that such observations and insights are simplistic and immature. This is one reason I wish so much that I had a mature Catholic friend with whom I could exchange ideas and off whom I could bounce my reflections and conclusions. Someone who could help me avoid the less obvious rocks and shoals out there. Someone of iron faith who might sharpen me. A reliable priest, even. But it seems that for the time being, my Catholic life will be a solitary one, and that online blogs and websites and repositories of the Faith will have to suffice, along with very infrequent and sporadic visits to a dear elderly monk in a monastery more than five hours from my home. This is a wildly changing world, especially in matters of the Church, and right now may be as good as it ever gets. Someday I may lose even my online resources…a thought that occurs to me with greater frequency each day. This is why I am trying to slowly build a quality library of Roman Catholic subject matter that appeals to me and that I believe will help me.
Suffering, no matter how small, has its own work. I pray that mine will perform its work within me, and that the time I have left in this life will be well used as a result of the inevitability of suffering.
The rain in these mountains has stopped for now, and the air is clear and cold and peaceful. Spring is less than three weeks away, and I am straddling the two seasons, enjoying the things of winter and yet looking forward to a loosening of my joints and a new perfume in the air when the green things begin to lift towards the heavens again. All around me, the trees and bulbs are pushing and jostling and insistent in their cellulose way. And in the background, men work their evil deeds and tell their blatant lies. It is a wondrous time to be alive right now.
~ S.K. Orr
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Brian
I agree with Sean’s top comment. Your journey is unique and personal to you. I’m a cradle Catholic who stuggles in many of the same ways you do.
If you want this blog of yours to become a place for debate, talk about “bigger” issues more.
I gravitate towards people and websites that tell personal stories …..there’s a vulnerability that I can relate to…..a generousity that I appreciate.
Still praying daily for you and your readers.
admin
Brian, thank you…good to hear from you. And trust me, I do NOT want this little blog to become a place for debate. I’ve seen enough of that sort of thing on other websites. I’m grateful, truly grateful, that you and others find something here that appeals to you.
And thank you especially for praying for me and for my dear readers.
Sean G.
Assuming I’m not missing any context from his email, I couldn’t disagree more with this Catholic blogger. The issues you write about are the most important, and your blog is diaristic. “Interior Aspect of My Life” is in the subheading! There’s other places out there that go after different issues in different ways, but there’s none like yours and I’m grateful for it.
Each of us have a unique creative spirit that can take on different shapes. Some are writers, some are hermits. Some are soldiers and some are jugglers. And every writer is different as is every hermit. The important thing, as far as I’m concerned, is that we do what we do with our eyes toward Heaven.
admin
Sean, thank you. You truly are an encourager to me.
Sean G.
Beautiful Insight and hardly immature. Suffer well, or not at all! Modern evil is such an endless and dull torment it can make you wish for dragons and monsters.
admin
Sean, thank you so much. Your kind comment arrived on just the right day. Shortly before I saw your comment, I received an email from a Catholic fellow who runs a blog of his own. The gist of his email was, “You write too much about yourself and your feelings. There are bigger issues out there!”
So again, thank you as always for being so kind and supportive. You help balance out the nay-sayers. And I hear from them quite a bit. If their comments are rude or unseemly, I trash them. If they are in emails, I either ignore them or ask them to find another blog to read. But at the same time, I know that there’s a lot of truth in the criticisms, even when they sting. It’s an interesting life.
Now I shall go and decide whether I want to gaze at myself in the mirror, or gaze at my navel. These are big issues!